


By the schoolyard

by BytheSea (ye_old_cactus)



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Based on a song, Dissociation, Fate & Destiny, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, Insomnia, M/M, Mutual Pining, POV Alternating, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-29
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2019-02-08 12:42:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12864750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ye_old_cactus/pseuds/BytheSea
Summary: Ashley, Kaidan and Shepard had been friends for as long as they can remember, even when they grew up to teenagers with very different likes and personalities, their friendship stayed unbreakable. But, because nothing can be forever, when Ashley missed class for 3 days in a row due to a little rain that got the invincible girl sick, Shepard and Kaidan's friendship changed in a way none of them could've expected or predicted.





	1. Ashley's bedside

**Author's Note:**

> oh, look at me, starting another fic (◔_◔) this one's gonna be like 3 or 4 chapters "long".

The year was 2016, no hippie vans or colorful windbreakers, no black and white TV or listening to the radio on the streets. Every once in a while, you could see a couple of kids playing around without parents watching them, but it was very much the present day.

With winter hovering over them, few trees still kept their leaves and you couldn’t go out without wearing, at least, double the layers of clothing. Still, the worse the weather had gotten was about a week ago, when it rained a full day, the forecast was wrong, but transitioning from one season to the other was unpredictable.

That rainfall was the exact cause why Ashley Williams was nowhere to be seen at school, she never carried an umbrella only because she barely got sick due to the weather, but as unpredictable as the season, so is the body of a high school teenager.

She couldn’t get up from bed, too weak to even try. Her hair was tied up in a loose bun at the top of her head, some strands sticking to her sweaty forehead. Her nose was furiously red-colored and her eyes teary. She felt like a truck hit her and she wasn’t hiding it.

Two teens stood at the foot of her bed, both tall. One of them, Shepard, was wearing jeans, a white shirt, a leather jacket with a red strip down one shoulder and he wasn’t wearing shoes. The other one, Kaidan, had only a blue hoodie and jeans on, shoe-less too, but she didn’t care, she very much knew her mother rules about shoes inside the house and so did they.

Like any other small town, conservative and gossipy, most of the people had lived there since they were born, while some of them left to study and make something of their lives, others came back, having failed whatever they tried their hands at, or just to “make a family” here.

When you mentioned Ashley, you could never forget Kaidan or Shepard, Ashley and Kaidan’s parents fitted into the _went away to study and came back to make a family_ category, while Shepard was born and raised for a few years in an orphanage, just to be adopted, when he was 5 years old, by a discharged military man.

The three of them went to preschool together, same with elementary and middle school. Shepard and Ashley were the same age, Kaidan was a year older, his parents had the only private practice in town and they were always busy and could barely take care of him, staying past school hours was the usual.

Ashley’s parents worked for the government, that’s how they met, even if they weren’t supposed to get together, they did and years later, Ashley was born. Like Kaidan’s parents, their schedule wasn’t flexible at all, so that’s how she met Kaidan, staying at school waiting for her parents to pick her up.

Shepard’s “father”—by that time so many years ago, didn’t feel like a father, but he was still getting used to him, his name was Anderson and he always tried to be somewhat involved in his new son’s life, but sometimes he couldn’t come right away for him after school, so he had to stay back. That’s how he met Kaidan and Ashley who had already been friends for a while.

After that, staying at school became a waited moment and with shy eyes and trembling fingers, Shepard had asked his father to pick him up later to stay with his 2 new friends, Anderson complied, more than happy of how well he was adjusting to a new life.

Since that first day when they met, they had been inseparable, like a package deal, and all people in town were pretty much used to it.

When they grew up, some of the oldest folks in town saw as a bad thing that Ashley, a _lady,_ was hanging out with those two young men, some of them worried that "the orphan" could corrupt them, and the others were placing bets on which one would Ashley pick to be her husband. Kaidan was winning, with a wide margin but Shepard supporters were sure Ashley was more into the bad boy vibe Shepard gave.

Because of the tight-knit thing they had going, Kaidan and Shepard stood, now next to Ashley, with no worries of getting sick. They were delivering her notes and assignments, because of course they were all in the same high school, Shepard and Ashley taking the same junior classes. Kaidan was trying to explain their math homework to them, but Shepard was eating the leftover pudding Ashley couldn’t stomach. Only one of the two was succeeding in their task, and it wasn’t Kaidan.

When 8 p.m. rolled around and Shepard had eaten all the rest of the food Ashley’s father brought to her and Kaidan already had a pounding headache from all the formulas and numbers, her parents kindly asked them to go home. Shepard thanked them for the food, and when her father looked at him confused, her mother told him he probably ate what he got for Ashley. Kaidan apologized for Shepard but that was a situation they were all used to.

“She looks like fuck, right,” Shepard said on their way home and Kaidan laughed.

Later that night, Ashley had sent them a text to their Line group, spitting fire to Shepard because he said she looked bad, Shepard immediately blamed Kaidan for babbling, only to have Ashley confessing she was lying and that she knew he had said something, Kaidan only sent a sticker laughing.

The next day, in English class, there was an empty seat between Kaidan at the door, looking for the both of them, and Shepard... meaning Ashley was still sick. It was the third time in a row. They had texted her all day, making fun of her for not getting sick in almost a year, just to have fallen victim of a one-day rain, her replies had been rather colorful for the _lady_ most people believed she was. They decided to visit her that day, and because of that, all the notes and assignments were put on their care, again. Or at least Shepard’s care and for him, that included Kaidan.

Everything was pretty much the same. Like to any other high school kid from a small town, the days and months and years blended in, but a story where nothing happens, is not really a story. That's why, this isn’t about how strong and good and healthy Shepard, Kaidan and Ashley’s friendship was or all the adventures they went on. The real story started the third day Ashley missed class.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bear with me, it has a plot e.e


	2. By the school yard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i thought i was going to post this earlier uehueheu sorry m(._.)m

They were sitting at the far end of the schoolyard, trying to work on a physics project due really soon. It was supposed to be done by Ashley and Shepard but when she got sick, she claimed it immediately made her unable to do any type of work and or assignment and because Kaidan was pretty much the _Golden Boy_ of their high school, he could single handedly do it by himself.

Kaidan didn’t mind even one bit helping them. He owed them everything. Shepard and Ashley had always been a constant in his life. None of them asked for more than he could give, they didn’t ask him the impossible or held him at such high standards that no sane person could ever meet. They were, more than friends, an anchor Kaidan could hold on to when the crushing pressure of the future was making him drift away. Specially Shepard.

He had tried to hide his feelings for years, cold showers, weight lifting, and math formulas always helped but the fact that he liked his best friend was something he had come to terms with… a long time ago. As girlfriends came and went for him, the only one he wanted by his side was Shepard.

He’d be lying if he said he never pictured Shepard between his legs instead of one of too many girls, it still never lasted with any of them. He wasn’t sure if he wanted them to replace Shepard or help him feel less lonely.

His parents were less than happy to see so many girls going back to their place. It wasn’t always like that. The first time he brought a girl home, he was only 14 years old. The girl’s name was Rahna. His parents were thrilled to see him with _such a kind young girl._ Her father worked in the Alenko clinic so, of course they were happy. They dated a full year. Kaidan had loved her really bad, but never how she deserved. It was around that time that he realized he was in love with Shepard, because yes, he was in _love._

After her, he tried to keep dating, just to end up with meaningless sex at parties or any type of social gathering, going as far as to take girls home where his parents barely lived and where he’d hosted infinite “slumber parties”. He’d fuck them on the same mattress Shepard had slept the night before, sometimes catching _his_ scent in the sheets when he was hilt deep in a girl, just to find himself feeling shittier than ever and sending the girl back to wherever she wanted to be.

It wasn’t like he had a type, if he was drunk enough, any girl would do, if he wasn’t, piercing blue eyes were his weakness. He liked girls very, _very,_ much but his heart already belonged to someone else, that’s why he looked for the only resemblance Shepard had with any other human, because to Kaidan, Shepard was unique.

He could feel himself being pulled into Shepard’s orbit like a lost meteor too close to a black hole, heading to its demise and being unable to do something about it. With every laugh, every shoulder shove, every look and touch, Kaidan fell a little harder for him and just knowing that his best friend had no idea of what was going through his mind, was enough to have him shying around when they were too close. Feeling guilty of all the times he stayed in Shepard’s house and saw him change his school uniform for a hoodie, or after gym class when he couldn’t help but try to catch a glance of Shepard’s defined body, or the dimples on his lower back when he went looking for him at the locker room, just to touch himself that same night after wishing his two best friends sweet dreams. He was fucked up.

* * *

They were so close and, Shepard honestly wasn’t one to get easily frustrated but all his bravado and boldness flew out the window when he was near Kaidan. His best friend.

 _Best friend, best friend, best friend,_ he chanted in his head, like a protecting charm that could come true if he said it long enough. It didn’t work, he’d been saying it for what seemed forever and every single time a voice in his head laughed at him for even trying to fool his heart that way.

It wasn’t much of a surprised that he liked boys, since he was a little kid, even before Anderson adopted him, he knew he was _different._ His father was sure to let him now that no matter how different he felt, he’d always accept him.

When Anderson took him in, he told Shepard to never lie and to say whatever was on his mind and he’d never judge and, both of them had stick to it. He told Anderson when he was 17 that he’d smoked pot, at 16 he told him he had sex for the first time, at 15 he told him he got drunk in a party, at 14 he told Anderson he liked Kaidan and at 10 he’d told him he didn’t know what to do anymore because he had tried really hard but still couldn’t like girls.

Anderson had sat with him through every confession, giving him advice, telling him what he thought about it and accepting him like he gave birth to Shepard. That’s why he loved Anderson so bad. No matter how wrong the thing he did was, he always tried to see the situation from Shepard's perspective and tried to understand. The only time he’d left Anderson speechless was when he was 10 years old and had no idea what was going on with his body and mind and why he got so nervous over boys. Three days later, though, Anderson made him sit in the kitchen table, in front of him and had proceeded to explain all the sexual orientations he had researched.

Shepard still remembered that day like yesterday because of the wave of feelings he had, happiness that his dad took the time to do that, embarrassment because of the conversation itself and relieve to finally know the name of what he felt. He had told Shepard that it was okay to not label himself, but Shepard was thrilled to be part of a community so special… that’s how he thought of it by that time, anyway.

It was a few years later that he stopped feeling guilty about being “more friends” with Kaidan than Ashley, because he finally figured he actually liked him. It was nice to know, not so nice having to deal with what it entailed. Little normal moments like this one, both of them, hunching over Kaidan’s laptop, researching some scientist that did… something. They were so close that he could smell Kaidan’s deodorant. He had P.E. today and Shepard was eternally grateful for sweat and taking showers after because the smell was intoxicating.

“Hey,” Kaidan said when Shepard was about to straight up sniff him, “I wanna ask you something but it’s okay to not answer,” he was fidgeting in his seat.

“Sure,” Shepard said panicking. Something that always made him nervous were phrases like _we need to talk_ , _I’ll tell you later_ or _I need to ask you something_ , plus phone calls but that was another thing.

“Do y-” Kaidan stopped before forcing himself to continue, “do you have someone you like?” It was surreal to see Kaidan, 18 years old, asking such a childish question and shying away like he barely knew Shepard and, it was also somewhat cute.

“I do,” he responded without thinking about it. He didn’t do well with thinking when it came to Kaidan. Most of the time he acted by instinct and depending on his mood. He’d been pining after Kaidan for years and being just this close to him after a tiring day at school, surrounded by his smell and, honestly, just Kaidan in general, had him in a really _really_ nice mood. “You?” he asked after an awkward pause.

“Yeah…” Kaidan said looking at his hands on his lap.

“Kaidan,” Shepard said softly, trying to catch a glimpse of his eyes. If there was something he was good at, was reading people. Anderson taught him that to avoid any danger he could encounter with strangers. It usually involved body language, but hunched and looking down only told Shepard he was trying to practically disappear and stay _under cover_ , to put it someway.

When Kaidan finally looked up, something in Shepard clenched painfully. His eyes looked hollow and he couldn’t keep the eye contact for longer than a few seconds. Shepard reached his hand to touch one of Kaidan’s hand still on his lap and, bended forward to get in his way.

“Hey,” he tried again and when Kaidan finally looked up he said, “can I kiss you?”

Kaidan’s eyes grew wider and wider like realization of what Shepard asked him was dawning on him painfully slow. He opened his mouth and closed it again more than once. Unable to say a single word, the only one he wanted to say, the one he expected to say immediately if he ever were to hear Shepard ask the question he just asked.

“It’s okay to say no, y’know,” Shepard mumbled softly, “I think I can handle the rest of the project by myself. C’mon,” he said getting up.

“Shepard,” Kaidan whispered.

“I don’t want you doing something you don’t want to do, K,” Shepard said with a knowing smile, “I’m sorry if I got the wrong impression, now let’s go… your mom will be h—”

Shepard didn’t even get to finish the question when he pulled him down by his arm and kissed him, softly. How he managed to do it that way with the force he used, Kaidan had no clue.

Their kiss was like no kiss Kaidan’s ever had. It was soft and sweet, their lips just touching, no tongue or teeth or anything, just a couple of teenagers connected by their lips. Not even his first kiss, so many years ago, felt like the one he shared with his best friend.

Shepard pulled back first, eyes wide and unfocused, his mouth formed a little surprised “o” and Kaidan couldn’t resist the tug he felt on his gut and grabbed him by the nape and pulled him for another kiss.

This one was deeper, he could feel Shepard’s tongue on his lips, asking for entrance and he complied more than glad. He felt in heaven, the bench he was sitting on disappeared, his problems at home were no longer, his unfinished assignments forgotten, half-done college applications ceased to exist and the only people in the world were Shepard and him.

“Kaidan Alenko,” a voice screamed from his right side, but it felt more like it was inside his ear. It didn’t take him anything to recognize the voice, he pushed Shepard away so hard, he fell from the bench, but he was looking at Kaidan with the same horror Kaidan was feeling.

“Mom,” he _pleaded_ as soon as he saw his mother getting closer but his mother wasn’t even looking at him. Her eyes full of disgust and anger were directed to Shepard still on the floor.

“Mom,” Kaidan tried again and she finally looked at him, the only change in her demeanor was the addition of disappointment in her already judgmental eyes.

“Car,” she said, her voice had its usual volume but the way she spat the words made the people around look at them, “now,” she finished louder.

Kaidan gathered all his belongings and obeyed like a kicked puppy. She looked back at Shepard again and declared, “this isn’t over,” and she was gone as soon as she came.

Shepard stayed on the floor. He tried to get up once but his legs refused to work, his heart hammering in his ribcage, but it wasn't because of the kiss he shared with his  _best friend_ but because of the hell that awaited them in the next few days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (。･o･｡)


	3. They're watching

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aint this hecka late //laughs nervously -- my life's been quite the ride, sorry

“You’re finally here,” Anderson said as soon as Shepard opened the door.

It was already past midnight and a school day to boot. He was sitting on a chair in the kitchen table, drinking what Shepard guessed was coffee. He slowly made his way to sit next to his father, putting his bag on the table.

“You wanna tell me what happened, John?” Anderson asked.

“I kissed him,” he said simply.

Of course, his father already knew, _hell_ , he got a glimpse of Kaidan’s mother reaching for her phone in her car and he pretty much figured it was to call Anderson.

He looked back to his father and expected to see the disappointment on his face. In all his 12 years living with Anderson, he’s never gotten that look, not even a similar one but he was in such a dark place that maybe Kaidan’s mother rubbed off on him.

What he did _not_ expect was the grin his father had on his face, so big and proud, eyes shining and everything.

“C’mere,” he said to Shepard extending his arms in a welcoming hug, and honestly Shepard couldn’t help but comply. He wasn’t really the _touch-y_ one usually, but when it came to people he liked, well… “I’m glad you finally did it, son.” Anderson smiled relieved.

“You’re not mad?” Shepard asked buried in Anderson’s neck, his smell had become a recomforting home-like one.

“I could never be mad at you when you finally did something you’ve wanted to do for years… I’m proud of you, son,” and then Shepard couldn’t help but hug Anderson harder – maybe it was to will his heart and breathing to a steady rhythm, regardless, all the worry and dread left his body.

“Thank you,” he whispered trembling slightly.

“We still need to talk, John” Anderson said stepping back. “I don’t believe most of what Kaidan’s mom said and you know I’ll support your decision whatever it is... Kaidan is an amazing young man but I don’t think his mom thinks the same about you,” he sighed, and Shepard couldn’t help but do the same.

“I wanna be with him, I really do.” He sat back on one of the chairs while pulling his backpack closer to him and getting his phone out. He didn’t know what he needed it for but just doing something else, instead of talking about that topic in particular, was better.

“That’s gonna be hard with her watching him.”

“What you mean?” Shepard asked now walking to the freezer to get a bottle of water out, he couldn't stay still.

“Well… I’ve known his mother since before you two were born and I know how paranoid she can get. She won’t leave him alone now. I wouldn’t be surprised if you don’t see him tomorrow.” Anderson finished, getting another cup out of the cupboard to make tea for them. Shepard knew this quirk very well. He wanted to _talk_ , “Sit, please.”

Shepard did as he was told and prepared himself for whatever Anderson was going to throw at him. But at the end, his father just asked him to tell him how everything happened and what was he planning to do to _fix_ the situation, to what Shepard only answered with silence, and a few awkward minutes later, he got sent to bed, after all, he had to wake up early tomorrow… well today already.

* * *

The next day, Shepard woke up to his father’s music, which surprised him because he usually listened to music when Shepard was already at school. He checked his phone and realized three things. The first was 23 texts from Ashley and 5 missed calls, the second, not even one message from Kaidan, and the third that it was past 9 a.m. and he had slept through all his alarms.

“Shit, shit, shit…” he screamed getting ready for school, shower be damned. But when he had his pants halfway, Anderson burst through the door with a wooden spoon in his hand.

“John? What the hell are you doing here?”

“Slept… alarms,” he mumbled trying to button his pants up, but Anderson just laughed, it wasn’t the first time that happened, besides, a normal teenager wouldn’t even bother in getting ready if they overslept, but Shepard was different.

“Well, you’re already late so at least get breakfast,” Anderson said, walking back to the kitchen and then without stopping or looking back, added, “Oh and for god’s sake, John… take a shower.”

He laughed, pulling his pants down and then walked to his bathroom. When he was done, he went to the kitchen, following the smell of bacon and melted butter. But stopped in his tracks when he noticed Anderson’s silhouette tight and alert, ready to battle whoever was in front of him.

“Shepard…” his father said when he noticed him entering the kitchen.

It wasn’t every day that Anderson called him by his nickname, the one he was used to be called back in the orphanage and nowadays too, even though he legally changed it to Anderson when he got adopted. His father didn’t use it often, opting to call him John, and maybe he wasn’t aware of it, but he called Shepard that when something was up.

Shepard looked around to see if something broke or was out of place, but everything was the same, at least in the kitchen. The table set, the flowers in the middle of the table fresh, Anderson’s newspaper in front of his plate on the table and not much could’ve happened in the ten or so minutes he was in the shower, so what happened?

“Yeah?” he replied, trying to sound as normal as possible but his throat was a little tight.

“Check, the newspaper, page 13.”

Okay... He grabbed the newspaper and flipped the pages, one by one, a little scared of what he was going to find… but he huffed when he realized page 13 was the gossips section, usually “fancy written” comments and gossips by the ladies in town with no life. He read them all until one of them caught his attention.

 

> **ME AND JULIO DOWN BY THE SCHOOL YARD**
> 
> High school is all about love and decisions, a girl and a boy who amidst the adversity and college choices, find each other and share the rest of their school life together until they have to part ways.
> 
> We all know this story and if it didn’t happen to us, we know at least one person with the same story but, what happens when instead of a girl and a boy, there are two boys. Time to claim your bets and sadly for all of you, and for me too, we all **lost.**
> 
> According to our very reliable source, the son of a very well-known person in town was caught _in the act_ with another guy. It was quite the show, I unfortunately was not there but I would’ve loved to see the whole thing. Specially when we all know how conservative the mother of this boy is. I mean, who were they? Hm I wonder.
> 
> But what is the real story about this? Did the bad boy corrupted the good one? Was there a bet in-between? Was it mutual? What about their other friend? Was she in on this? _Who cares._ We just want to know what’s going to happen next.
> 
> -A neighbor who _really_ wants to know more.

“it’s about us…” Shepard said unbelieving, “how did this happen?”

“John…” Anderson sat next to him, “I’m sorry. You know how news travel in a small town.”

“They barely mention me, it’s just Kaidan and his mom.”

“John,” his father tried to comfort him again, reaching his hand to touch Shepard’s shoulder but he recoiled so Anderson didn’t try again, “Have you talked to Kaidan?” he asked instead.

He hadn’t, he tried to text him and call him last night, the calls didn’t even connect.

“It's okay if you don’t want to go to school today, John,” Anderson said getting up to serve breakfast, but he knew Shepard was going anyway.

“I have to talk to Kaidan,” he finally replied around a mouthful of bacon.

“I don’t think he’s gonna be there.”

“I don’t care.”

* * *

“Shepard, what the fuck?” Ashley greeted him when he entered the classroom halfway the third period, “where the fuck is Kaidan? What’s going on?”

“What you mean?” he knew though.

“Everyone’s been asking about you two all day, what happened? Neither of you answered my calls and texts, do you know how worried I was?” she scolded him and he honest to God felt bad and adding to that guilt, was the shit-lot of texts and calls from Ashley he just remembered he had.

But he didn’t say anything, just made a hand gesture to let her know he’d tell her everything later, Ashley acknowledge and when lunch time came around, she didn’t even let him go out.

“Spill,” was the only thing she said.

He told him everything, from the time they sat on the yard to finish the project, up to that same morning when he read the newspaper

“That makes sense,” she said looking down, her arms crossed over her chest. Shepard didn’t say anything, waiting for her to explain. “This morning and last night, too, my parents were avoiding me, which I think it’s kinda stupid now… I mean maybe they didn’t want to confront me about it or maybe they knew I didn’t know anything, damn.”

“So…” Shepard stressed the ‘o’, “I just told you I’ve been in love with our best friend for ages, that we kissed yesterday and that it’s all over the newspaper today and you just… yknow.”

“Ah,” she looked at him, “already knew.”

“Excuse me?” he said more than just mortified, “what you mean?”

“Uhm well…” she began confused, like he asked her what color the sky was, “you are… very obvious, you’ve been all these years... so was Kaidan, HTG thought you guys were like sneaking up to fuck or something.”

“You knew? Why didn’t you say something?” he asked her, “okay, I’d no idea Kaidan’d liked me for so long but never mind that, we’ve been pining over each other for years and you knew and didn’t say anything?”

“I just told you I thought you were sn—okay whatever listen… what are you going to do?” she asked instead.

“I don’t know man, I tried to call him and text him but he doesn’t answer.”

“Okay, hold up…” she said getting her phone out, she walked to the other side of them classroom to make a call. Shepard stayed where he was, waiting for her but in a matter of seconds she was walking back, “lets go,” she grabbed him by the arm and got their backpacks on the way out.

“Where are we going?” Shepard questioned but didn’t stop walking behind her. She didn’t answer of course.

To the park next to the school was the answer, he didn’t know why they were there, not until he saw Kaidan, his blue hoodie on. He was looking the other side, so he didn’t realize when Shepard and Ashley arrived.

“But if it isn’t all my favorite gay dudes in one place,” Ashley said and Kaidan turned around just as soon as she started talking.

He had deep dark circles under his eyes, his hair was a mess and he was hunched over himself, he looked weak, like the faintest winds could blow him away without trying. Shepard wondered if he looked the same.

* * *

Drowning, that’s what the last 12+ hours felt like for Kaidan.

He hadn’t even made it home when his mother was already screaming his ear off with how disappointed she was. He already knew she didn’t like Shepard, but this was what made it definitive for her. He had no idea why, though. She’d know Anderson for ages, he couldn’t understand why she thought (or used to think) so highly of him but in her eyes, Shepard was the scum of the earth.

Before she let him get out the car, she asked for his phone, which with how detached he felt now, he just handed it like it was a piece of candy, it wasn’t until he was already on his bed when he realized what he had done.

Dinner was a fucking mess, she told his father everything, but he must’ve been way far gone because the story she told was nowhere near what really happened. His father only listened carefully while chewing on his food, he usually didn’t care what Kaidan did or didn’t do, opting for staying quiet which only made it worse because that gave his mother power to do with both of them whatever she pleased.

This time though, this time he talked.

“He’s an adult,” he said.

“Yes, he is,” his mother began, “he should be thinking about college and marrying _a girl_ , he should be thinking about his future. We cannot allow this to happen, he’ll never have a respectable life if he keeps on walking this path.”

“What do you suggest?” his father asked but instead of answering, she looked back to where her son was, his food untouched.

“You’re staying here tomorrow,” she demanded, “I’ll deal with you later.” His father didn’t say anything.

He couldn’t sleep, thinking what was going to happen to him… to them. His lips still felt warm every time he thought about Shepard. The way their lips seemed to be made to be together, how his tongue felt inside Kaidan’s mouth, how warm Shepard’s own mouth was. For every worrying thought he had, two more Shepard-related comforting ones popped up, lulling him to sleep.

When he woke up the next day, it was already 11:30 a.m. their landline phone was ringing in the living room, that’s what woke him up.

“Hello?” he answered the phone yawning.

“Ashley and Shepard, the park next to the school,” someone said and hung up.

It took him a minute to realized what that meant and only seconds to get ready and head out, he took his car this time. It felt like driving a car made of dust. It didn’t see the light of the day often because Kaidan usually preferred to walk from and to school with Shepard and Ashley.

When he arrived, they weren’t there just yet, so he took his time to even his breathing and calm down a little, it had been ages since he felt this nervous about meeting with Shepard… and Ashley. He breathed in and out slowly, opened and closed his hands to let the blood flow, tried to talk himself into stillness.

“But if it isn’t all my favorite gay dudes in one place,” he heard Ashley say behind him and he turned around without thinking about it and, wow. Shepard looked pretty bad, maybe as bad as him and yet… Kaidan thought he looked as beautiful as always. He was definitely a goner.

Kaidan ran to Shepard, thinking fuck everything else, he just needed to feel him, to know he was real, to be sure what happened yesterday was true, and it seemed like Shepard thought the same thing because he opened his arms and smiled as wide as he could and hugged him, he gripped Shepard’s shirt, trying to feel him more and so did Shepard. He smelled so good.

“I’m sorry,” Shepard whispered.

“Why?” he untangled himself from Shepard’s arms to cup his face.

“The newspaper…” he said looking down, though Kaidan didn’t know what he meant.

“It’s okay," he said, "look at me.” Shepard did and Kaidan dived in for a kiss, forgetting Ashley was there. Shepard complied, kissing him harder and deeper.

* * *

That was definitely a tongue, Ashley was 100% sure she saw a tongue… it’s not like she was _watching_ them, but she was definitely watching them. Who could blame her, she’d waited for years for his friends to get together, for real, and this felt like opening a present on Christmas day, or it felt like it until she saw a car she recognized, park behind Kaidan’s own.

“Guys,” she hurried them, “I’m not saying this isn’t hot to watch and shit but, I think it’s time for me and Shepard to go.”

They ignored her, of course… or maybe they didn’t even listen, but they really needed to go and if she had to get in between them to stop all those roaming hands, so be it but as soon as she got closer to them Kaidan’s mom beat her to it.

She grabbed Kaidan’s hood and pulled, and damn for how fragile she looked, she sure was strong… Kaidan almost fell from the force of the pull.

“What the fuck is this?” she said, not to Kaidan choking but to Shepard, she threw a newspaper to his face and among other… colorful insults, she threatened to call the police, Ashley had no idea what she’d say to them though, ‘this young man is a bad influence, he made my son gay’, she almost laughed, but seeing Shepard just… paralyzed in front of Kaidan and his mom, had her coming back to reality.

“And you…” she turned to Kaidan this time, “I was trying to be nice to you, to give you a second chance, but I cannot overlook this. You’re embarrassing me, our family, our business and this cannot go on, I forbid you from seeing this scum—”

“Excuse me?” Ashley interrupted her because she was not going to stand in front of this old hag just to hear her call her friend like that, no matter if she was Kaidan’s mother or the fucking Queen.

“Was I talking to you, girl?” She spat.

“Stop,” Kaidan choked out, “leave them alone.”

His mom looked back at him and just when she was about to say something else, Kaidan talked again. “I’ll listen to you, I’ll do whatever you want, just leave them alone.”

She seemed to think about it and then turned around towards her car without saying anything.

“I’m sorry,” Kaidan mumbled and walked behind his mother, she said something to him and he got on her car instead of his.

“Are you okay?” Ashley asked Shepard when Kaidan and his mom left, but Shepard didn’t look at her or said anything… at all. He just turned around and walked back to school. She walked next to him and tried to talk but he didn't open his mouth, or even acknowledged her presence.

This was going to be harder than expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk why but writing this, i remembered this preschool teacher i knew back in high school and how she called her son by his nickname instead of his name 
> 
> also!!!! just one more to go! i hope yall like this and HOLY HEKC I CANT BELIEVE PEOPLE ACTUALLY SUBSCRIBED TO THIS SILLY FIC AAAHHH1! THANK YOU SO M U HC


	4. Our side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp this is it

Every day he went to sleep feeling his skin feverish in all the places Kaidan last touched; back, shoulder blades, neck, stomach, face... but nothing burned as hard and intense as his lips. He could still feel the softness of the kisses, the wet velvety form of Kaidan’s tongue, the intoxicating smell enveloping him… but those were nothing but memories of something he was never going to have ever again. 

Almost a full year had passed. The weather getting colder by the day all over again, the trees naked from their leaves, the layers on people thicker every morning… it was beautiful and eerie, the mix of cloudy days and Halloween decorations, the kids excited expecting the day they could go out on the streets for candy, but all that happiness only made Shepard feel numb. 

“Are you listening?” Ashley asked him for the third time that morning. He wasn’t, she sighed, “you can’t keep beating yourself over this, Shepard. It wasn’t your fault—” 

“Have you talked to him?” he asked in return because he was tired of hearing the same thing, from her, from his father… 

“You know I haven’t,” she replied like the first, second, third time he'd asked that. “I miss him, too, Shepard.” 

“I know.” 

“He wasn’t only  _your_ friend.” 

“I know.” 

He knew, he was well aware, he remembered every fucking day, but it wasn’t enough. If he hadn’t kissed Kaidan, if he’d kept his feelings to himself, at least for a little bit more, if he had done something different… 

“Shepard, seriously! Pay attention!” 

* * *

She’d talked to him but couldn't say anything. She'd gotten a few letters, none of them said from where they were from or any more info that she could tell. It wasn’t really talking when she couldn't say anything back. 

Most letters where Kaidan apologizing for what he put them through, asking about how she was doing and blaming himself for everything.  _All_ letters where about Shepard. It was mostly him talking to himself, “I wonder what he’s doing, I wonder if he meant all he said to me, I wonder if he loves me how I do, I wonder if he hates me for all that happened.” She wanted to tell him to stop being so sappy, to come back and tell all that to Shepard, to just be there.

All the letters ended the same way “please, don’t tell anything to Shepard,” and as much as she wanted to run to Shepard’s house and tell him Kaidan was okay, she couldn't do anything but comply. She was neutral ground, she listened and observed, if Kaidan said no, she didn’t do anything and if Shepard asked, she had no idea.

* * *

“Have you decided what to do, John?” Anderson asked him. He was a senior with graduation coming at a terrifying speed and this particular question had become a constant. 

“Army,” Shepard replied dryly while setting up the table, so they could eat. 

“You don’t have to do it, you know. Just because I told you that your grandfather was in the army and so was his father and his father and myself, it doesn’t mean you have to do it, too.” 

“I know that, and I know you’re not forcing me to do anything but… I really want to do this.” He replied, pulling a chair out of the table. 

“You're so smart, John,” Shepard sighed but Anderson continued, “you can do whatever you want, you can go wherever you want, you don’t need to worry about the money or the place—” 

“I know,” he’d been saying that a lot. “but I just…” he breathed in and out slowly. 

“Okay,” Anderson said, “Okay.” 

* * *

“Have you decided what to do?” Ashley asked him, and he was about to yell and run in desperation. 

“Did you just fucking asked me that?” he asked exasperated, but Ashley just laughed and waited for his answer. “I’ll probably join the Army.” 

“Shepard… what the fuck? You were serious about that? I mean I know this is a huge decision and I know your life hasn’t been the most amazing ever with all that’s happened—” 

“No shit,” he interrupted her. 

“—But you just can’t take a decision like that so lightly, think with your head, dude, not your dick.” She finished breathing heavily and as soon as she saw him, she knew she made a mistake. They were behind the school having lunch and she wished more people were around… that way he might not make a scene. 

“You think I don’t know that? You think I haven’t thought about what to fucking do with the rest of my life?” 

“Shepard,” she tried. 

“I know,  _I know_ , I don’t have to do this but I’m sorry for trying to connect more with my family by doing it. I’m sorry I’m a fucking mess because the only person I’ve ever loved had to be sent away because of my fucking fault, I’m sorry I can’t be the friend you deserve but I’m just,” he choked a little, trying to get the rest out, “I’m sorry.” 

Ashley's heart clenched painfully. She had no idea Shepard was going through all that. After all the years she had of knowing him, of knowing them, she still couldn’t understand the complexity of their friends.  

Kaidan had to deal with close-minded, conservative parents while fighting his feelings for Shepard, just to be punished for trying to be happy… and Shepard who still felt like he didn’t belong to his family, like he didn’t deserve them even when he’d been with them for years. She ended up hugging him, because hell, she didn’t know what else to do. 

“I’m so sorry, Shepard.” 

“I know,” he replied. 

* * *

“Are you ready son?” 

“I feel like the first day of school,” Shepard said, checking his stuff one last time. Anderson just laughed. 

“Send me letters and Skype me and don’t be a stranger,” his father told him for the umpteenth time that day. 

He, honestly, preferred this than all the tears Ashley shed. 

* * *

Hell, that’s what this was. He knew joining the army was not going to be a walk in the park, but this was just plain ridiculous. When people realized he was Anderson's son, it immediately put a target on his back. Not only from the people above him but from his peers too. 

All of them were rather keen on remembering him that just because of his lineage it did not make him good or privileged but a dummy for everybody to punch. That’s why he fought twice as hard, he crawled the most, he shot the best, he ran the faster, and 2 or so months later, he was the most known and the most hated person in camp. 

* * *

“Sir?” Shepard asked confused. 

“You heard me, we're moving you.” 

“May I ask why?” he asked then again. 

“You’re one of the best we have here and we're short on people up north, we're sending you there. Got anything to say Anderson?” 

“No Sir,” Shepard said, straightening with a salute. 

“Dismissed.”  

It had barely been a month since Shepard had been moved to his current station, it was sunny and hot, but he liked being there and just when he was starting to like the weather… this. 

He was definitely used to being moved around like a puppet, this was his fourth station that year, but this was the shortest time he’d spent stationed. Not only that but it was a pain in the ass to be under so many different people, not knowing them or what to make of them. 

He got the official papers almost as soon as he came out of his superior's office. He just read the date he was getting deployed and the rest didn’t matter. He'd get to meet them all tomorrow, anyway. 

The next day he realized he wasn’t the only one changing locations, a couple of guys and a girl were with him. Shepard didn’t know them, he’d seen them when he walked around the station, but they were in different squads, plus he'd been there a very short time and names and faces weren’t part of his talents… not anymore. 

* * *

Hours later saw them setting down in what looked like a huge bank of snow, it was kilometers and kilometers of white. The only thing that wasn’t white, was the station they were setting down in, which was abysmally massive, he’d been in so many stations before, but none of them compared to how big this one was, it looked more like a campus than an actual base, he thought that not even putting all the stations he’d been before, together, could be as big as this one.

It was just one story tall but the main building was a huge square and in the middle of it where the squads training grounds, outside of it an arrange of roads lead to a single one outside the station… one of them took you directly to the landing zone where two helicopters and several ships where being cleaned and getting ready to be deployed, that’s where they were setting down.

“I heard they only send the best here as a test, making them believe is just a normal transfer,” one of the guys was saying but, Shepard's mind was somewhere else, his consciousness gone, remembering better memories, they included snow, fights, a mop of brown hair and curses, a mop of black hair and the most hypnotizing voice. 

He liked those memories more. A time where all of them were happy and, maybe not innocent but naïve, but he still wanted to have better memories, ones that involved Kaidan and his tongue, Kaidan and wandering hands, Kaidan and moans and gasps and heat and… he only got barely four kisses and the scratch Kaidan’s teeth made on his lip when his mother yanked him back by his hoodie and even though it’d been way over a year already, he could still feel the sting and the eventual blood he drew himself when he touched his lip.

“Anderson,” the girl shouted, and Shepard jumped a little, “c’mon,” she urged him, and he realized they were already at the station and he was the only one still on the ship.

What came next was the same old shit he had to go through in every station, a guy yelling at them, calling them ladies, which Shepard thought was wrong as fuck and not only because of the actual lady there, and the someone else showing them their quarters, that luckily looked cozier than the last one he was in, it had less windows and more blankets which he was sure were as hard as the last ones but at least they were thick enough to fight the cold.

After that, they got split into different squads, he ended up with the girl, so he took the time to learn her name. Traynor. She had a nice accent and didn’t treat Shepard like scum because his last name was Anderson.

* * *

Weeks later, Shepard realized this place wasn’t as bad as the last one, people seemed to care more about their business than about Shepard, even when some of his superiors called him by his last name, none of the people in the room looked at him, and honestly that was the best he could be right now.

He took the time to write to Ashley every other day, some of his squad members thought she was his girlfriend and while he wasn’t one to hide what he liked and what he didn’t, women in this case, he chose to remain silent about it.

In between missions, he wrote to Anderson, he liked to describe what he saw during them, the landscape and animals, the people and the snow… it was funny, he hated the snow back home, mostly because it was annoying and cold, and you never felt warm, plus when it melted everything was a mess, but this one wasn’t as bad. He loved this snow, even when it gave him memories of Ashley and Kaidan and his hometown, he loved it. Maybe it was because of that same reason that he loved it.

When night came though, he was a different person, he didn’t like the snow, he didn’t like the station, he didn’t write later, he didn’t skype his father, he hated himself.

When night came, he wasn’t John Anderson or John Shepard, he was a man and one that only knew of his mistakes, one who regretted every decision he took, one who was to blame for the sudden disappearance of his best friend.

When night came, his only refuge was one of the station’s gyms. It took him a week to find one, but when he did, he practically slept there. He was running on water, granola bars and 4 or so hours sleep. He wondered if someone knew about it but doubted it. He always tried to sleep and eat well when they had a mission and he always managed to sleep after them but that was it, the rest of the time, if he wasn’t training with the squad, he was training alone. The past few days had been a blur, but he was sure he didn’t do anything different.

Somedays felt nice, unloading all he was feeling in a punching bag, somedays everything was wrong. Today was one of those days.

It was already past midnight and all the lights on this side of the station were off, but he didn’t care, it wasn’t like it was the first time. The only good thing about tonight though, was that he was the only one at the gym. He knew he wasn’t the only one feeling like shit here, so there were always people at the gym, lights on or off, but tonight was particularly cold, so he guessed the smart people were sleeping like they should, like he should, but alas.

He hung his towel on a machine and started stretching, touching his right foot with his left arm and vice versa, holding hands under his back but with one of the over his head, stretching his legs as far as he could and counting to five before changing legs and instead of doing the punching right away, he decided to run on the treadmill a little bit.

A little bit ended up being over an hour he noticed later when the foggy sensation on his head disappeared slightly and he was feeling better, at least better than before. At times like this he always thought about asking for treatment, like a psychiatrist or therapist, but that’d mean he’d get discharged and that was the last thing he needed, so every time he had these dark thoughts on a mission, on his bed or on the damn treadmill, he willed himself to stop. It usually worked but he had no idea how much that’d last. Not much probably.

Like today… it wasn’t working, so after another hour on the treadmill, that he didn’t realize passed, he decided to call it a night. He grabbed his towel from the machine where it was and when he was at the exit, he turned around to where the punching bags where. He’d been there for over 2 hours, he needed to sleep, to rest especially tonight but something made him turn around.

* * *

Could it be him… he couldn’t believe it. He’d heard people talking, for the first time in all the years he’d been stationed there, they talked about the new kid Anderson, and part of him hoped they were talking about him, the one he left behind.

Some people asked him if he knew Anderson because they’d heard they came from the same place and were really close in age, but Kaidan always shrugged. He knew no Anderson his age.

That was the downside of being stationed in the same place for a long time, people started to get too chummy with you. After finishing high school and thanks to his mother’s “connections”, as soon as boot camp was over, he got sent up north immediately, as far from home as possible. It’d been 3 years and he was still there. He wondered if that was his mother’s doing, too. It didn’t matter right now if all the rumors were true. Which he was starting to believe.

He wished he had let Ashley answer all his letters—maybe she'd tell him “hey guess what? Shepard is totally going to enlist, and you guys will meet”, highly doubtful but wasn’t he hopeful. The only thing he was scared of was of what Shepard would say if they met, what if he was still mad about what happened? What if he hated Kaidan now? What if he gave him the cold shoulder or what if he didn’t want to talk to him ever again? Those were the reasons stopping him from searching a little to see if Shepard was actually there. He was sure he only needed to ask some random person and they’d give him all the answers he needed it. The one he wanted.

But it had been more than a month already and he was still on his bed, looking at the ceiling, thinking about him, it sometimes happened at the gym, there he’d make up some imaginary fantasy about them meeting, again, but instead of making him feel better, he felt like shit.

This was one of those bad bed days, that he was thinking about making a gym day.

* * *

His fingers were numb, every single one if them, he couldn't feel them, but he was still punching the bag. He had this weird sensation on his chest, like when you know something is going to happen, good or bad… it was a hunch. This sensation had saved him countless times, but it never felt this way. It was sort of like ants crawling from his lower stomach to his throat, his feet were restless too, they didn’t stop moving and he was about to get on the fucking treadmill again, all in all, Shepard had no idea what to do.

He was tired, like ready to pass out tired, but he couldn’t stop moving, every time he did, the sensation felt even worse, like _it_ wanted Shepard to run, but where?

“Shepard?” someone asked behind him and the sensation finally stop, but only to turn into a full body shiver at the same time that every hair of his body went up in alert, “Shepard?” the voice asked again.

Nobody called him Shepard here, nobody. He wasn’t Shepard anymore, he'd been Anderson for almost 2 years, he had left Shepard behind all that time back. He barely remembered his nickname, his name.

He turned around slowly and before he could address the figure, exhaustion got to him first. He fell to the ground, his legs too tired to hold him up.

“Shepard!” the voice screamed.

* * *

Closed. The gym was… closed?

Kaidan stood in front of the gym’s door like that’d make it open magically. The gyms were _never_ closed, especially not the ones for higher ranked officers which this one was… it might be about 3 a.m. but, they never closed, there were always people there, no matter the weather, or the occasion.

He stood there a little more, thinking what to do. The wisest option was to go back to sleep but… he couldn’t. He had a lot of pent-up energy that he needed to get rid of and running outside would be signing his death sentence, so maybe looking for another gym? The station had four of them, A, B, C and D. One in each of its wings. He was in the A gym right now, so he could go to either to D or B gym. He liked B gym the most after A, because it was a little bit less stuffy and much clearer, light-wise. D gym was for the newer recruits, he was there for a full year, it sucked. Well, it was amazing, until he got to go to the others, it used to be his shelter.

It was a shelter to all the new people that came. Being here, surrounded by nothing but snow and even with the amount of people around the station, it was a more than a little overwhelming. Kaidan remembered someone saying that a few days at the sea could make someone go crazy, he wondered if snow worked the same way.

Going, or even thinking about that gym in particular, made him remember all the time he silently cried himself to exhaustion, making it pass as sweat getting in his eyes, he was pretty sure he wasn’t the only one so hey, who gives a fuck?

 _So_ , he wondered, _why am I walking towards that gym specifically?_

He was already halfway it and when he saw the light coming through the doors, he sighed in relief. He could hear someone grunting and with every little noise, he got goosebumps from head to toe.

Kaidan opened the door slowly and softly, careful to not scare whoever was inside it, he guessed it was only one person because that was all he could hear, and he was right. A single figure stood in front of the punching bag, they were sweating profusely and looking a little weak, their moves were getting erratic and they missed every other punch. From where Kaidan was standing, he couldn’t really make out the figure. The place where the punching bags where was darker than the rest, than the whole fucking dammed gym, but when the figure moved just a little bit to the right, Kaidan knew.

“Shepard?” he called a little wary, but the person didn’t answer, though they stopped moving, so he tried again, “Shepard?”

The figure finally turned around and Kaidan felt his heart clench. It was Shepard and he looked awful, he had dark circles under his eyes and he looked like he was standing thanks to his stubbornness and for a moment Kaidan thought he looked worse than the las time he saw him, all those 3 years ago. And just when he was about to say something, to run to him, to hug him and kiss him and _feel_ him, Shepard collapsed to the floor.

“Shepard!” he called, in vain because Shepard was already unconscious on the floor.

* * *

White curtains, green tiled floor, metal gray ceiling, wooden walls, it smelled like antiseptic, there were a lot of people talking, some of them yelling and he couldn’t help but ignore everything when his eyes did something like focus, but he still could only make out shadows.

“Am I dreaming?” he asked to the figure next to him, the figure laughed, and Shepard’s chest felt a little warm.

“No,” the figure replied.

“You look like someone I knew before,” Shepard said, curling in on himself to fight the cold, his blankets where thick as fuck… but not enough, he could never feel heat here.

“Yeah?” the figure said again.

“Yeah, he was really nice, your figure looks like him—all blurry” he smiled, remembering Kaidan, his raspy voice, his curly hair, his strong arms… “I haven’t seen him in years.”

“That’s sad,” the figure whispered, and it truly sounded sad.

“I’m John,” he yawned, “John Anderson, what’s your name,” Shepard introduced himself, closing his eyes slowly, too tired to keep them open.

“I’m—"

He opened his eyes, it was dark, and he was alone, he closed them again.

“Anderson,” his CO said, and Shepard sprung up immediately, it was bright again and he wasn’t as confused as the first time he woke up. “You’re awake, I see. You’ve been out for 3 days.”

“Sir?” Shepard asked, honest to God, confused.

“A squad leader from another squad found you at the A gym, passed out, he brought you here.” Shepard only sat there in silence, thinking how to apologize, but when he was about to say something, his CO raised his hand in a _don’t bother_ manner and continued, “it’s okay Anderson… You’re the best solider in our squad, but we’re worried about you. We haven’t seen you sleep or eat or even drink water in a few days, this was nothing but expected.”

Shepard stared at his CO flabbergasted, first because he’d never heard him talk so casually, second because he had no idea his teammates were worried about him and third because he didn’t realize of his behavior but now that he tried hard enough, he couldn’t remember the last time he had a “real” meal, and well, that explained the IV on his arm, probably getting into his system all he needed to survive.

“May I ask who brought me here, sir? Shepard asked, which given the current situation, was the most inappropriate question right now.

“He’ll be here later, and I need to go,” he said gripping Shepard’s arm, “as I said before, Anderson, you’re here because you’re the best but we don’t need soldiers who can’t take of himself.”

“Sir,” Shepard saluted a little embarrassed.

* * *

Kaidan wondered if Shepard was talking about him, he was still clearly under the influence of whatever drug they were pumping into him and he did say Kaidan looked blurry, so yeah… maybe it was him, but just when he was about to say who he was, Shepard fell asleep. Straight out of a movie thing.

Kaidan finished everything for the day as fast as he could. He’d heard… he asked the nurses and supposedly today was the last day Shepard was staying in the infirmary, he still couldn’t go on missions, but he was good enough to go on his own. Kaidan didn’t want that, he needed neutral ground to talk to Shepard and before, when he went to talk to the nurses, he noticed the infirmary wasn’t particularly busy, which was the perfect opportunity to talk.

By the time 3 p.m. rolled around, he was finishing afternoon drills with his squad and practically running to the infirmary, though it was already too late, Shepard was talking to a nurse while putting a thick white coat on. He decided to wait for him outside, praying that it didn’t take Shepard long because today’s temperature was in the minus two digits, luckily for him, he didn’t have to wait long. And when Shepard made it out Kaidan called him.

“Anderson,” he said, just for kicks and giggles because he was feeling immensely giddy.

“Sir!” Shepard turned around saluting, his eyes fiercely serious and Kaidan fell a little more in love with him, but as soon as he saw Kaidan, his eyes went wide as plates and he slowly lowered his hand.

Kaidan smiled and walked to one side of the infirmary, the part where one of the roads was usually deserted. Shepard followed without saying anything. He stopped when they were hidden enough from the rest of the people, luckily, the infirmary was one of the buildings outside the main square so there weren’t really people around.

“Kaidan,” Shepard called behind him when he stopped walking, he breathed in and out slowly and turned around, ready to face whatever Shepard was throwing at him, what he wasn’t ready for was Shepard opening his arms as wide as he could and embracing him in the best hug he’d had since the last time he hugged him.

“Kaidan,” Shepard said again, and Kaidan was nothing but a man, in love with another man, that he hadn’t seen in ages so who could blame him when he hugged Shepard back and maybe, just maybe, teared up a bit.

“I missed you,” he whispered right in Shepard’s ear, “I’ve missed you so bad.”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Shepard replied, “I’m sorry. This is all my fault, if I hadn’t kissed you, you wouldn’t be here, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t say that,” Kaidan said untangling himself from Shepard. “I don’t care about that anymore and it wasn’t your fault—”

“How did you even get here?” Shepard interrupted him cupping his face. He was familiar with Shepard’s quirks and this one specifically made his blood boil because it only meant he still blame himself and didn’t want to hear anything more about it, but he was just so damn happy that he let it pass.

“Finished school from home and then my mom sent me here as a graduation present,” Kaidan laughed hurting all over like the first time he had to leave for boot camp and then up north, “but I’m glad,” he said quickly when he saw Shepard’s face, “I got to be with you again.”

“We’d still be together if I hadn’t—”

“Shepard,” he said harshly, and Shepard smiled.

“I missed you,” he said and this time, Kaidan smiled.

* * *

Kaidan Alenko. No matter how many times he opened and closed his eyes, no matter how many times he tried to convince himself this wasn’t true, no matter how many times he thought he was hallucinating, Kaidan Alenko was in front of him. He was taller and thicker and scruffier and older, and Shepard had a hard time taking it all in, but this was Kaidan Alenko, he recognized the whisky brown eyes and the deep raspy voice this was Kaidan Alenko, _his_ Kaidan Alenko.

“Kaidan Alenko,” he said, and he couldn’t get tired of that name.

“Shepard,” Kaidan replied softly and Shepard let himself bask in the name, let himself be the man he left behind years ago, “Shepard.”

He wanted to apologize, again and again and again but he knew that’d upset Kaidan so instead he brought Kaidan’s face closer to his and kissed him. it was cold as fuck, but he could only feel warm all over.

“I missed you,” he said in between kisses, but then he felt Kaidan’s tongue on his and everything else disappeared, just like _that_ first kiss. “I missed you.” Kaidan only replied in a wanton moan.

“I love you.”

He stopped kissing Shepard… but then smiled warmly. “I love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we dont have an army since 1948, i clearly know shit about military stuff and its amazing i managed to avoid ranks in a 5k+ words chapter, centered around military setting
> 
> i did not expect this chapter to get so fucking long im sorry.............. i also updated the tags so many timeeess and its 3 am so this is not properly checked but i really wanted to post it, ill come back eventually!
> 
> and i cant believe i wrote a multichaptered fic based on a song that came out when my mom was 5 years old ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯, kudos and comments keep me motivated and squeeeeeze that mshenko content out of me! :**  
> thank you so so much if you made it all the way here and i hope you like this silly thing that took me ages to write D; gomen,,,


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